Postpartum Depression - apparently an affliction of not just the crazy, lonely, maladjusted, single, tragic story women in the world. Before giving birth...literally the day of labor before I was so excited and confident and optimistic about this entire birth/motherhood vortex I was entering. (Ok so maybe not ENTIRELY excited about the act of giving birth, but I was pretty confident - that part was honest)
There was literally a switch the minute that baby came rocketing out of me - and I do mean literally - stitches to prove it....although I guess they're not stitches anymore. Anyways, digression aside - I was all of a sudden not so thrilled or excited or confident - I felt kind of blase and very tired and very disconnected from this dark skinned, hairy troll that was simultaneously screaming and chomping on me. Fast forward 6 weeks to now and I'm just starting to feel tinglings of positivity again. Granted most days are an 80% cocktail of fear, anxiety, hopelessness and nausea, but it's that other 20% that is downright thrilling.
For the first 2 months of my baby's life I dreaded when people would want to talk to me about him or the birth or comment on how sweet he is. How sweet is getting woken up every 45 minutes for two weeks straight? How sweet is it when you can't sit on a chair for a month because he literally destroyed me? How sweet is it when you can't shower or eat or go to the bathroom for 3 days straight because you're trying to meet his needs? And how SWEET is it when you do all of this and he screams - like a velociraptor in your face for 4-5 hours straight every night? Oh yes....he/it's all very sweet. Then, people tell you "this too shall pass..." and I mutter something under my breath about I hope you pass....I mean not really...mostly not really.
Fast forward to now and again I reassure you I'm feeling much better - not myself - but better. I really don't think you ever get yourself back after a traumatic event, but rather I think you have a puzzle pieced version of yourself with colorful duct tape and antiqued modge podge holding you together. [I love that Modge Podge has marketed & created an empire based solely on various shades of opaqueness in their glue and the public eats that stuff up (glitter, antique, really antique, matte, shiny, etc.)]
Recipe for survival & finding oneself:
- Showering (no joke it's important and will shockingly become difficult to squeeze in)
- Amazon Video or Netflix account for binge watching and making new friends who are available with the click of a button.
In order of preference: Catastrophe (LOL'd about these new parents experiencing life), Bachelor or Bachelorette (makes you happy you're not out there dating/sleeping around), The Office (no explanation needed), Mr. Selfridge (Jeremy Piven is fancy?!?! I've got to see this)
- Real friends to drag you out of the house even when you SWEAR to them and yourself you don't want to.
- Prosecco - it's bubbly and makes me happy and for the 40 minutes I enjoy the glass at night once Jack's in bed I catch glimpses of my old life
- Coffee.....Lots of it - I'll confess I make half decaf that way I can drink more and not feel guilty (by MORE: I mean an Iced Cold Brew in the afternoon)
- Your partner - whomever they may be and giving them just 2% of yourself even though it will feel like 90 at the end of the day. They need to see that you're still in there and willing to come out.- 3 months....wait for it....your baby will finally give back (don't get too excited, it's just a smile but it's weird how gratifying that smile can be)
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